by Tommy Gimler
With only six weeks remaining in the regular season in most head-to-head fantasy baseball leagues, dorks everywhere are scrambling to assemble the perfect team for a late season push to the playoffs. Dropping these turds is a great start.
Mark Reynolds – 1B, 3B Cleveland Indians
Reynolds was hotter than two college coeds scissoring each other on the dean’s desk in April, hitting .301 with 8 home runs and 22 RBI. His OPS was a Melissa McCarthy-esque 1.019. But since then, Reynolds has been about as sexy as two guys fucking a cat. In July alone, this turd is hitting just .106. He hasn’t homered since June 28th, he’s 5 for his last 51 with 22 strikeouts over that span, and he sure as shit shouldn’t be on your team…
Gerardo Parra – OF, Arizona Diamondbacks
Since the beginning of July, Parra has watched his average drop 31 points. The Dbacks outfielder has been a real Dbag over that time frame, hitting just .133. He’s only collected three hits since the All-Star break, and he only has one home run since June 22nd. He also hasn’t stolen a base since June 17th. If you can come up with a reason why Gerardo Parra is still on your fantasy roster, you’re a fucking liar…
Mitch Moreland – 1B, Texas Rangers
Odds are if Mitch Moreland is still on your fantasy roster, you’re a dork who has been out of it since late May and hasn’t changed his roster since then either. Since coming off the DL on June 21st, Moreland has recorded just five extra-base hits. Let’s face it. That fucking blows, and so does his .152 average in July…
Salvador Perez – C, Kansas City Royals
Is Salvador Perez hitting the rookie wall already, or is he just another in the long line of players who became turds after taking direction from manager Ned Yost? Either way, it’s time to start looking elsewhere at the catcher position. Perez is hitting just .188 in July, he hasn’t homered since June 27th, and he’s pretty fucking ugly…
Yovani Gallardo – P, Milwaukee Brewers
It’s never a good thing when one of your best starts was the first one after you got busted for drinking and driving. Gallardo’s July has been almost as brutal as the time I accidentally saw my grandmother’s tits, going 2-2 with a 7.56 ERA and 1.76 WHIP. Three of his last six starts have lasted four innings or less, and he has lost five of his last seven starts. His velocity is down, his location is terrible, and if he’s still on your fantasy baseball roster, it’s time to cut the leash. Or you can keep him, miss the postseason, and get a head start studying up on football…