by Tommy Gimler
It’s being billed as “The Birds vs. The Beards” by many sportswriters across the country. It’s being billed as “Something I Won’t Watch” by my wife. In any case, here are five things that nobody has the fuzz on their stones to say will happen in the 2013 World Series. Well, except us…
1. The Red Sox are going to win the World Series.
Since home-field advantage has been determined by the group of roided-up assholes on the winning end of the Midsummer Classic, the team with that advantage has won seven of ten World Series, including five of the last six. In five road games this postseason, the Cards have averaged just 2.6 runs per game compared to almost five runs per game at Busch Stadium. Meanwhile, the Red Sox have averaged six runs per game at Fenway Paaahk, going up against the likes of Matt Moore, David Price, Max Scherzer (twice), and Anibal Sanchez…
2. If Jake Peavy and Lance Lynn remain the scheduled starting pitchers, then at least eleven runs will be scored in Game 4.
Boston’s Jake Peavy was 12-5 and the Cardinals’ Lance Lynn was a 15-game winner this year, but the bottom line is that these two guys are pure pig shit. Since the beginning of September, Peavy’s ERA is a disgusting, like a “stumbling upon a video of Melissa McCarthy finger-banging herself” kind of disgusting, 6.14. Meanwhile, Lynn is sporting an ERA of 5.40 this postseason to go along with a WHIP of 1.80…
3. Allen Craig is going to have a dog shit World Series.
Before injuring his foot on September 4th, the Cardinals first baseman was quickly moving up the list of guys who can run a train on my sister. According to ESPN, his .454 batting average with runners in scoring position was the third highest mark in the last 40 seasons. But after missing over a month-and-a-half of big league pitching, his bat is going to be less potent than a pothead’s semen…
4. Koji Uehara will walk a Cardinals hitter.
Some of you are saying right now, “Who in the fuck is Koji Uehara?” Others are saying, “A pitcher will walk a guy is almost as bold of a statement as saying this package of Peanut Butter M&M’s will be delicious.” If you’re my mom, then this is the first you are hearing that Japanese players are now allowed to play American baseball. But since the Red Sox closer has walked just one batter since Independence Day, I’d say that qualifies as a pretty fucking bold statement. Like a teenage Latina girl in southern California who isn’t pregnant yet, Uehara is due…
5. Even if he doesn’t hit a home run in the World Series, Mike Napoli is going home to plow a hotter broad than Matt Adams has ever talked to.
According to PlayerWives.com, Boston Red Sox first baseman/stud Mike Napoli is currently plowing Alison McDaniel:
No way has his St. Louis counterpart Matt Adams ever taken down a hump hole attached to something like that…