by Tommy Gimler
We’ll let Tim Kurkjian calculate who is this year’s National League MVP from his grandma’s basement. But if you’re looking for awards like “Player Who Took Down The Hottest Piece Of Trim,” then you’ve come to the right place.
Player Who Took Down The Hottest Piece Of Trim In 2013 – Derek Jeter
Look, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I would rather be Derek Jeter with genital herpes than Tommy Gimler without them. The Yankees captain’s season on the diamond can be summed up in two words: pig shit. But off of it, Jeter was “rehabbing” his bum ankle by throwing it in Hannah Davis’s poop chute. If you don’t know who Hannah Davis is yet, go get yourself a bottle of Jergens and scroll below…
The Jeff Suppan Award (Worst Player In Major League Baseball) – B.J. Upton
Our intern is on it, but we’re pretty sure when the Atlanta Braves gave Upton a five-year, $75 million deal before the season, they weren’t expecting him to be a worthless turd. Upton’s final numbers look a lot like what you would expect if you sent Stephen Hawking to the plate 400 times: .184 average, more than twice as many strikeouts (151) as hits (72), and only 12 stolen bases. He clinched the Suppan Award in September, finishing the season in a 1-for-36 slump…
Best Player Charged With Lewdness – Chad Gaudin
The San Francisco Giants had to be pretty surprised when Gaudin fiinished the year with a 5-2 record, 3.06 ERA, and 1.25 WHIP. We’re also assuming a 23-year-old woman on a gurney at Desert Springs Hospital in January was pretty surprised when Gaudin told her she was gorgeous right before he groped her titties…
Best Fat Player Not Named Prince Fielder – Hyun-Jin Ryu
The pudgy Asian pitcher was a nice addition to a Dodgers team that made it all the way to the NLCS, finishing the regular season with a 14-8 record, 3.00 ERA, 1.20 WHIP, and 154 strikeouts in 192 innings of work. Ryu also induced 26 double play balls, the third best mark in the National League…
The Angel Hernandez Award For Worst Strike Three Call To End A Game – Marty Foster
The Rangers and Rays had to play a 163rd game this year to decide the American League’s second Wild Card winner. But if umpire Marty Foster wouldn’t have been a pile of runny dog shit behind the plate back in early April, that game might not have been necessary. Joe Nathan would get his 300th save and the Rangers would beat the Rays by the score of 5-4, but if this pitch is a strike, then I’m hiding a 12-inch trouser snake under my Calvin Kleins:
The Milton Bradley Award For Best Fight – Dodgers and Diamondbacks
In a surprising twist, the 2013 Los Angeles Dodgers players and coaches engaged in more fights than their fans. While Carlos Quentin’s collarbone-breaking hit on Zack Greinke was rather impressive, it was Greinke’s scuffle with the Arizona Diamondbacks on June 11th that made Vin Scully pee a little bit in his diapers. And if you watch Matt Williams getting pushed back by Mark McGwire, I think it’s safe to say that he didn’t leave the ballpark with a clean set of drawers either…