by Tommy Gimler
Peanuts and Cracker Jacks? Fuck that. We’re talking bold predictions and great expectations. Here’s what the DUD is hoping to see in 2014, as the real Opening Day is just hours away, baby.
Tommy Gimler says…
This will happen for sure: Masahiro Tanaka will earn $22 million pitching for the New York Yankees, but he won’t spend one dime of it on Rosetta Stone…
This might happen: The first active gay player in Major League Baseball comes out of the closet. Who is it? You guessed it: Colorado’s Rex Brothers…
This won’t happen, but it would be a cooler if it did: Mike Trout knocks up my sister…
Dave “The Voice of No Reason” Iacch says…
I’m looking forward to the Hall of Fame induction in July when a man named Cox gives the Big Hurt to four other baseball greats. I’m also looking forward to the Dodgers and Red Sox missing the playoffs while the Padres and White Sox both make serious runs at the postseason…
Frank Rhombus says…
We’ve said it before. Nobody celebrates futility as often as Taylor Swift, but we like to think we’re a close second. Pick a couple of unders in regards to teams’ win totals, and then sit back as those teams take ass pounding after ass pounding. I’m telling you, life is a lot more fun when you witness things more pathetic than your shitty life, and here are a few teams that fit the bill:
Chicago Cubs UNDER 68.5 wins
Chicago White Sox UNDER 77 wins
Atlanta Braves UNDER 88 wins
Houston Astros UNDER 63.5 wins
J. LaSussa says…
I’m most looking forward to the NY Yankees falling on their faces and not making the playoffs for the Derek Jeter Farewell Tour. Also looking forward to watching Ryan Braun getting boo’d for 162 games.
I make predictions where people actually have a shot at making some money. Saying the LA Dodgers are going to win the World Series, so the Joe Average DUD reader goes to Las Vegas and puts $10 to win $55 in the middle of November is pointless to me. Here is my list of best values in regards to who will win the World Series. If you flip $10 or $20 on something, you’ll be able to at least get a set of lappers somewhere:
Texas Rangers 18-1
Oakland A’s 20-1
Pittsburgh Pirates 35-1
SD Padres 100-1
*Predictions
AL East- Boston, Baltimore, TB, NY, Toronto
AL Central- Detroit, KC, Cleveland, Minnesota, Chicago
AL West- Oakland, Texas, LA Angels, Seattle, Houston
Wild Cards- Texas over Baltimore
Pennant- Texas over Detroit
NL East- Washington, Atlanta, Miami, Philadelphia, NY Mets
NL Central- St Louis, Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, Milwaukee, Chicago
NL West- Dodgers, Padres, Giants, Arizona, Colorado
Wild Cards- Pittsburgh over Padres
Pennant- Washington over St Louis
World Series- Texas over Washington
Rakesh says…
Check it out, bro. The over/under of Dodger Stadium parking lot stabbing is 1.5, my friend. Load and lock up on the over, boss. There is no way that Dodger fan just sit back and politely give opposing team fans directions to roach-infested hotel if $200+ million payroll start to fail. Sixty rupee say at least one of the victims is shanked with shattered Dos Equis bottle, too, bro…
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