by Tommy Gimler
Unless you have the number one profile on Christian Mingle, then odds are that not only have you heard of the “Cleveland Steamer” or “Dirty Sanchez” but you can also give step-by-step instructions on how to perform each of them to perfection. But unless you’re one of the two or three dozen Tampa Bay Rays fans, then odds are you’ve never heard of the “Brad Boxberger.” That’s where we come in.
Major League Baseball rosters are full of guys whose names sound like sex moves involving both defecation and urination before ejaculation. Here are our ten favorites:
10. Brad Boxberger – Pitcher, Tampa Bay Rays
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Sex Move Definition: You and a homeless guy are tag teaming a hooker in Memphis who’s on the rag. You drop a deuce in the girl’s hump hole and give the homeless guy twenty bucks when he eats it…
9. Steve Clevenger – Catcher, Baltimore Orioles
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Used In A Sentence: This girl brought me back to her place last night and passed out in her kitchen, so I gave her a Steve Clevenger and got the fuck out of there…
8. Lonnie Chisenhall – Third Base, Cleveland Indians
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Best Place To Do It: At a trailer park playground. If you do it right, the skank will leave with some form of hepatitis. Plus, it involves a plastic toy shovel…
7. Trevor Plouffe – Third Base, Minnesota Twins
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Sex Move Definition: You and six of your buddies run a train on a Cubs fan. The first six guys ejaculate in her mouth, but make sure she doesn’t swallow yet because the last guy pinches a loaf in her pie hole. Ideally, there’s enough semen in her mouth that when the turd lands in there, it makes a “ploof” sound like dropping a rock in a lake…
6. Matt Shoemaker – Pitcher, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Sex Move Definition: You throw it in her two hole without lube, and you go at it so rough that when you pull out, her rectum comes with you. As a result, she starts shitting uncontrollably over the Motel 6 carpet. If she still has her socks on, take them off and make her walk through her own shit barefoot. Get the blow dryer out of the bathroom and aim it at her feet so the shit hardens. She now literally has a set of shitty shoes, or as we like to call them, Reeboks…
5. Josh Reddick – Outfielder, Oakland Athletics
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Type Of Girl Needed: One that’s on the rag, one that bleeds easily from her anus, one who will let you punch her in her mouth before you insert your penis into it, or the Kool-Aid Man’s wife…
4. Charlie Furbush – Pitcher, Seattle Mariners
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Sex Move Definition: There are actually two ways to do the Furbush. If you bring home an Italian girl or an Eastern European broad, it’s just called missionary. Otherwise, you’ll need to trim your pubes before you bring a girl back to your parents’ house. Instead of flushing them down the toilet, keep them in a Ziploc bag. Before you begin plowing the girl on your futon, make sure the bag of pubes is within reach. When it’s time to blow your load, make sure you do it somewhere below her belly button and then throw your pubes on the same spot. If you’re a real asshole, perform the last two steps on her face instead…
3. Tuffy Gosewich – C, Arizona Diamondbacks
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Sex Move Definition: You have to walk through the bar to find a girl who’s almost as ugly as this fucking guy, unless you’re in Ohio. Then just grab the first girl you see. On the way back to your apartment, stop at Taco Bell and order at least eight bucks worth of “food.” When it’s time to poop – roughly 15 to 17 minutes later – do it on her face. IMPORTANT: As you kick her out of your apartment, remind her that you did her a favor…
2. Doug Fister – Pitcher, Washington Nationals
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Special Twist: Let’s be honest. If you can talk a chick into letting you fist her, she’s pretty much up for anything. That’s why she won’t mind that Kimbo Slice is hiding in your closet and about to get a running start before he shoves his right meat hook up her hump hole. It’s up for debate, but whether or not you take a huge shit on her chest afterward really doesn’t matter, as she probably won’t be able to feel anything for a couple of weeks…
1. Kevin Quackenbush – Pitcher, San Diego Padres
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Sex Move Definition: You guessed it. Find a girl who loves animals, preferably one of those nut jobs from PETA, and bring her back to your place. You’ll probably want to make sure she’s pretty liquored up as well. After she signs a release form, penetrate her from behind either with your thumb, penis, or fist. It really doesn’t matter because the last thing that gets shoved up her vag is your pet duck that you got for the sole purpose of performing this sex move. After you taser the duck to ensure it quacks uncontrollably, call a lawyer…