by Tommy Gimler
If you had Baltimore’s Nelson Cruz tied atop the American League home run leaderboard and Houston’s Jose Altuve as the AL batting champ at the midway point, you’re a fucking liar. They’ve been a nicer surprise for their respective teams than sitting in sniffer’s row the night your best friend’s sister decides to give amateur night a whirl.
You could make an argument for either Mike Trout or Victor Martinez as the AL’s midseason MVP, and it’s probably a toss-up between Masahiro Tanaka and Felix Hernandez for the AL’s midseason Cy Young, but fuck that. Here are some awards that’ll put some hair on your stones:
The “Hey, I’ve never heard of that fucking guy, but he’s pretty good” Award goes to Houston’s Dallas Keuchel.
Let’s be honest. Even in Houston, the only time you would have heard Dallas Keuchel’s name in conversation before this year was when somebody would open the morning newspaper, see that he was starting that day’s game, and then say, “Who in the fuck is Dallas Keuchel?” His 2.78 ERA this year is the 7th-best mark in the AL, his 1.10 WHIP is 5th-best, and his 8 wins are tied for the 8th-most…
The Chris Brown Award for being the biggest pile of dog shit goes to Kansas City’s Mike Moustakas.
Among American League hitters with at least 200 at-bats, Moustakas has the worst batting average (.177) and OBP (.242). He started his 2014 season in an 0-for-21 funk, and he was even temporarily demoted to the minors because he was so fucking terrible at hitting a baseball. It’s also worth noting that before Ned Yost showed up to manage the Royals, Moustakas was considered a top prospect…
The Jeff Suppan Award for being the worst pitcher goes to Minnesota’s Ricky Nolasco.
Superturd Ricky Nolasco has started 16 games for the Twins so far this year, and only four of them have been quality starts. He’s given up at least five earned runs six times. His 5.74 ERA and 1.59 WHIP are both worst among qualifying starting pitchers in the AL, but in his defense, they probably would have been only the second-worst marks in their respective categories if teammate and fellow turd Mike Pelfrey wouldn’t have gotten hurt…
The Clint Howard Award for being the ugliest player in the American League goes to Toronto’s Colby Rasmus.
You have to think if any Canuck broads are fucking Rasmus in a Rogers Centre hotel these days, they’re doing it with the lights off. I mean, Jesus fuck. Look at this guy. He looks like the result of Rocky Dennis fornicating with a Mogwai…
The Dillon Harper Award for being the best newcomer so far this year goes to Chicago’s Jose Abreu.
It’s official. Jose Abreu hits baseballs harder than Chris Brown hits some poor skank who just went through his text messages. Abreu is currently tied for the AL home run lead with 25, and he’s basically the only thing South Siders have to cheer for this year. Well, at least the ones who made parole in time to get to the stadium…