by Tommy Gimler
It’s July 4th weekend, and you know what that means. Thousands of people will be flocking to a ballpark near you sporting a jersey with some turd’s name on the back of it who is probably logging more hours working a jackhammer these days than on a ball diamond. And with that in mind, our ten-part series of unacceptable jerseys for true baseball fans continues with the Yankees, Blue Jays, and Rays.
New York Yankees
Acceptable: Billy Martin, Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantle, Yogi Berra, Bill Dickey, Roger Maris, Phil Ruzzuto, Thurman Munson, Whitey Ford, Don Mattingly, Elston Howard, Casey Stengel, Mariano Rivera, Reggie Jackson, Ron Guidry, Bernie Williams, Mike Mussina, David Cone, David Wells, Joe Gordon, Charlie Keller, Spud Chandler, Willie Randolph, Paul O’Neill, Graig Nettles, Dave Winfield, Allie Reynolds, Goose Gossage, Jorge Posada, Tony Lazzeri, Andy Pettitte, Lefty Gomez
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Unacceptable: Carl Pavano, Jeff Weaver, Ken Phelps, Esteban Loaiza, Javier Vazquez, Fred Merkle, Marv Throneberry, Nick Johnson, Hideki Irabu, Kei Igawa, A.J. Burnett, Brett Tomko, Alan Embree, Randy Winn, Chan Ho Park, Jose Canseco
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Discussion: You get the point. There are so many Yankees greats that if you actually dropped cash or used your mom’s credit card on a Brett Tomko jersey, you might want to get checked for some kind of retardation…
Toronto Blue Jays
Acceptable: Joe Carter, Paul Molitor, George Bell, Dave Stieb, Roberto Alomar, Tony Fernandez, Roy Halladay, Carlos Delgado, Pat Hentgen, Roger Clemens, Jimmy Key, John Olerud, Kelly Gruber, Shawn Green, Tom Henke, Jim Clancy, Fred McGriff, Jack Morris, Dave Stewart
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Unacceptable: B.J. Ryan, A.J. Burnett, Corey Koskie, Bobby Kielty, Esteban Loaiza, Carlos Garcia, Joey Hamilton
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Discussion: The Blue Jays have only been around for 37 years, but in that short time span, they have had quite a few of the game’s best playing north of the border. Joe Carter hit one of the most memorable home runs in the history of the game, some of Molitor’s best years were in a Blue Jays uniform, and John Olerud is probably the best player who has ever worn a helmet both at the plate and in the field (right, Rickey Henderson?). Wearing a Clemens jersey that doesn’t say Red Sox on the front of it seems blasphemous, but he won two Cy Youngs and the pitching triple crown while he was in Toronto.
On the other hand, you’ve probably never heard of guys like Joey Hamilton, Bobby Kielty, and Carlos Garcia, and that’s because they were pure dog shit. In fact, Garcia owns the worst WAR for a position player in Blue Jays history (-2.3)…
Tampa Bay Rays
Acceptable: Carl Crawford, Carlos Pena, Aubrey Huff, James Shields, Scott Kazmir, Matt Garza
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Unacceptable: Wade Boggs, Greg Vaughn, Jose Bautista, Pat Burrell, Jose Canseco, Vinny Castilla, Johnny Damon, Dwight Gooden, Gabe Gross, Ozzie Guillen, Tino Martinez, Hideki Matsui, Seth McClung, Hideo Nomo, John Rocker
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Discussion: Remember when Carl Crawford wasn’t a huge pile of pig shit? He was pretty fucking good when he was spending more time on the diamond than the disabled list. Carlos Pena hit 144 home runs for the Rays, Aubrey Huff was the best player on a lot of god-awful teams, and Scott Kazmir struck out 239 hitters in 2007. “Big Game” James Shields was a horse for the Rays, and Garza was a big part of those Tampa Bay teams that didn’t suck balls.
On the other hand, Tampa Bay was the place good careers went to die in the late 90′s and early 200o’s. If you’re going to own a Wade Boggs jersey, make sure your boyfriend buys you one with Red Sox on the front of it. We didn’t even know Dwight Gooden was still playing in 2000 much less in a Tampa Bay jersey. And not even Gabe Gross owns a Gabe Gross Tampa Bay jersey…