by Tommy Gimler
And congrats to Zack Greinke for having zero fun by going with “Greinke” and once again winning the award for the biggest bug up his ass.
MLB bringing a real game to the Little League World Series is one of the best things they’ve done in recent years, and tying in Players Weekend, where every player gets to wear a jersey with a nickname on it if he chooses to do so, was a nice touch.
For a complete list of players and the nicknames they chose, click here. You’ll also be able to find the turds registering a zero on the happy-time scale who decided to just go with their last names like it’s April or May or some shit.
In our opinion, here are this year’s top five nicknames you’ll see later this month:
5. Trent Thornton – P, Blue Jays
NICKNAME: Butters
Say what you want about the pig shit awful year Thornton is having on the mound for the Jays this season, but the dude is still going out there every five days and chucking. He’s also coming in hot with his first Players Weekend jersey nickname, opting for one of the most underrated South Park characters of all-time: Butters…
4. Nick Martini – OF, Athletics
NICKNAME: (martini emoji)
I mean, when you’re blessed with a panty-wrecker of a name like Nick Martini, you might as well double down and just throw the picture of a martini on the back of your jersey. Can’t wait to see a second-grader in Pleasanton get sent home for wearing one to school, though…
3. Marco Estrada – P, Athletics
NICKNAME: Ponch
Here’s another shitty pitcher who has been able to maintain quite the sense of humor despite his struggles. I mean, how long have people been calling this guy Erik Estrada or replying with something like, “Estrada? Like that actor from CHiPs?” every time he’s introduced himself the last 30 years? Our guess is the answer is so many times that you either learn to laugh at it like Marco did or you drive your car off the Golden Gate Bridge into San Francisco Bay…
2. Mark Canha – 1B/OF, Athletics
NICKNAME: Tom Ace
Man, how much fun must a team flight be if you’re on the Oakland Athletics? All five of the top spots could have come courtesy of these clowns, but we’ve decided to cap it at three. Occupying our #2 spot on the list is Canha, who decided to go with an alias used by Ace Ventura while looking for Snowflake in that rich fuck’s palace. Since that movie is the first one I made out with wife to, I have a soft spot for it and for anybody who references it on the back of their Players Weekend jersey. All righty, then…
1. Max Scherzer – P, Nationals
NICKNAME: Brown Eye
We heard a rumor a few days ago that Ol’ Blue Eye might be going with the color of his other eye this year, and hot damn, it looks like that’s exactly what he’s going with. Of course, brown eye can also refer to somebody’s anus or balloon knot, so when you’re running a website that positions themselves as “nothing but sports and crap,” you have no choice but to make “Brown Eye” this year’s #1 nickname of Players Weekend…
Wait, there’s more: Would You Lick Antonio Brown’s Feet For A Thousand Bucks?
You have got to see this shit: