by Tommy Gimler
To say the 2013 Toronto Blue Jays were a disappointment is a bigger understatement than saying Melissa McCarthy is pudgy. But the injury bug hit the Blue Jays harder than a Green Bay Packers fan hits his wife after a loss, as last year’s team was decimated by injuries to Bautista, Cabrera, Encarnacion, Lawrie, Reyes, Rasmus, Morrow, Happ, Santos, and Johnson. We’re pretty sure that doesn’t happen again in 2014, and fans north of the border have something to cheer a-boot other than free* health care.
Offense
If the Blue Jays can stay healthy this year, they’re going to lead all of baseball in runs scored. Even though most of their lineup spent an extended amount time on the DL last year, Toronto’s 712 runs were still the ninth-highest total in MLB. Chicks dig the long ball, and apparently so do Canucks, as many of those runs came via their 185 home runs, the 4th most in the bigs. Seven everyday players finished with double-digit totals in the home run category, and you can expect at least that many to finish with those tallies again this year, especially if Melky Cabrera starts juicing again.
A big plus for the Jays was first baseman/designated hitter Adam Lind’s return to form after a 2012 season that was a bigger disappointment than the last Indiana Jones flick. But if Toronto is going to compete in the AL East, they’ll need third baseman Brett Lawrie to be more than just a tatted-up asshole and instead turn into the power/speed dual threat he has been advertised as ever since he joined the team.
Pitching
One word sums up the 2013 Toronto Blue Jays pitching staff: puke.
Toronto’s 4.25 ERA a year ago was the sixth-worst mark in all of baseball, and most of that pig shit number was a result of their starting rotation, as their 4.81 ERA was the second-worst tally in the bigs. But R.A. Dickey came around the final two months last year, finishing 6-2 with a 3.35 ERA. And after a brutal start that saw him get hit harder than Rihanna, Mark Buehrle put together a nice three-month stretch between June and August, going 9-4 with an ERA of 2.97.
Turd Josh Johnson left a bigger stain on last year’s pitching staff than a Peter North cum shot, but he’s thankfully moved on to San Diego. The Jays would really benefit from Brandon Morrow not being a huge pussy this year and actually making 30 starts, something he hasn’t done since 2011.
Just like a Dane Cook comedy set these days, the Jays’ bullpen is a lot better than you’d think. Their 510 strikeouts a year ago were third-best in the bigs, their .235 BAA was seventh-best, and their 3.37 ERA was ninth-best. Setup man Sergio Santos only gave up four runs after the All-Star break, and closer Casey Janssen finished 2013 with just two blown saves.
Key Acquisition(s): nothing, really…
Key Departure(s): Josh Johnson (good riddance, you fucking turd), J.P. Arencibia
Sexiness of Schedule: Like we have said before, playing in the AL East is pretty fucking brutal, like a “find out your parents were featured on an episode of Real Sex” kind of brutal. If Kate Upton is a 10 and Precious is a 1, we’re giving the Jays’ 2014 schedule a 2, or in other words, Kelis…
Why They Will Win: The offense is almost as potent as a Los Angeles pot brownie…
Why They Won’t Win: Their starting pitching somehow finds a way to be even more pig shit awful than they were last year…
2013 season: 74-88 (5th, AL East)
2014 Predictions
Vegas: 79.5 wins (4th, AL East)
The DUD: 89-73 (2nd, AL East)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 78-84 (4th, AL East)
FanGraphs.com: 82-80 (4th, AL East)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 4th place, AL East
*Canadians pay a shit ton of taxes for their “free” health care…