by Tommy Gimler
We’re pretty sure more people visited the DUD in the last hour than set foot inside the Trop last year, and Google Analytics is showing six people read this shit last hour. And that’s a damn shame, as the best manager and third baseman in the game along with the top pitching staff in the AL East will have the fewest people watching them again this year.
Offense
The most unbelievable thing happened last year: Evan Longoria stayed healthy the entire season. As a result, Mr. Glass led all AL third basemen in runs and home runs. He was joined by fellow stud Wil Myers, who took home AL Rookie of the Year honors after leading all rooks in RBI, doubles, extra-base hits, and OPS. They led an offense that scored 700 runs a year ago, the 11th-highest total in all of baseball.
But that was also the 2nd-worst mark in the division, finishing a full 153 runs behind Boston. Remember when Desmond Jennings was supposed to be that guy who made everybody forget about Carl Crawford? Well, it turns out Carl Crawford wound up being the guy who made us forget about Carl Crawford. But it’s not like Jennings has done anything to get us aroused either. And if the Rays are going to make another brief postseason appearance in 2014, they’re going to need more than a .252 average and 20 stolen bases from him.
First baseman James Loney’s 2013 season was a nicer surprise than walking in on your wife scissoring her best friend on your pool table, as his .299 average was his best mark since 2007. And while we think Ben Zobrist is one of the most overrated fantasy baseball players in recent memory, he did finish last year with double-digit totals in HR’s and SB’s for the fifth consecutive season.
And for the record, catcher Ryan Hanigan is pure dog shit.
Pitching
Let’s be honest. David Price’s 2013 season started almost as rough as an installment in the Brazzers’ Pornstar Punishment series. But after the All-Star break, the Rays’ ace went 7-3 with a 2.87 ERA, 1.00 WHIP, and 84 strikeouts against just 13 walks in almost 107 innings. If this is the David Price the Rays get for the entire 2014 season, then it’s going to be a tits summer.
Opponents hit just .216 off of #2 starter Matt Moore a year ago, and outside of the line drive he took to his dome, opposing teams didn’t hit shit against Alex Cobb either. Chris Archer slated to be the team’s number four and Jake Odorizzi the number five. It’s going to be pretty tough finding a better starting pitching staff in the AL than that. After all, here is what their numbers looked like as a unit last year:
47-23, 3.20 ERA, 1.17 WHIP, 2.84 K/BB ratio
Tampa Bay’s bullpen finished with the third-best BAA in the bigs (.221) a year ago. Grant Balfour is the new closer in town, and we expect him to wear his hat just a tad straighter than the departed Fernando Rodney.
Key Acquisition(s): Grant Balfour, Heath Bell
Key Departure(s): Fernando Rodney
Sexiness of Schedule: Like we have said before, playing in the AL East is pretty fucking brutal, like a “find a used Band-Aid at the bottom of your bowl of soup” kind of brutal. If Kate Upton is a 10 and Precious is a 1, we’re giving the Jays’ 2014 schedule a 2, or in other words, Mo’Nique…
Why They Will Win: After going 43-33 against their AL East rivals a year ago, the best starting pitching in the division does it again and carries them to another 90-plus win season…
Why They Won’t Win: Relief pitcher/fat fuck Heath Bell blows twelve of those games, puts on enough weight to surpass Jose Melina as the most bloated man on the roster, and even though the offense scores around 700 runs again, it’s still the lowest total in the division…
2013 season: 92-71 (2nd, AL East)
2014 Predictions
Vegas: 87.5 wins (1st-tied, AL East)
The DUD: 88-74 (3rd, AL East)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 90-72 (1st, AL East)
FanGraphs.com: 84-78 (2nd, AL East)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 3rd place, AL East
Buster Olney (ESPN): 1st place, AL East