by Tommy Gimler
The first season of HBO’s True Detective came to an end tonight, and as expected, it was 55 minutes of shit-your-pants awesome. And it got our hungover asses thinking, if we had to use the show’s characters to describe a few MLB players, what would that look like? Here it is, sweet tits.
Ryan Braun is Detective Marty Hart (Woody Harrelson).
Both men are hardcore fucking liars, and their egos are bigger than Chris Christie’s gunt, as they were both busted for cheating and came up with elaborate excuses instead of just admitting their mistakes. Although, were they really mistakes? After all, Braun netted a guaranteed contract north of $100 million and Hart got to throw it in that smoking hottie redhead’s hump hole in Episode 2…
A.J. Pierzynski is Detective Rust Cohle (Matthew McConaughey).
Nobody likes Rust Cohle, and from what we’ve read, Pierzynski a big cocksucker, so nobody likes him either. Well, I guess Detective Hart’s wife liked Cohle, if you know what I mean. And I wouldn’t put it past Pierzynski taking down Mike Carp’s wife by the end of the season either…
Jonathan Broxton is Errol Childress (Glenn Fleshler).
Oh wait, was he a big fat person?
Dan Uggla is Burt (Douglas A. Griffin).
Just like when Burt shit his pants as Detective Cohle embraced him, Dan Uggla shits the bed every time he steps into the batter’s box…