by Tommy Gimler
Could the defending World Series champs really go from worst to first to worst again? Maybe. Or maybe these afternoon brownies were laced with some really good shit.
Offense
In 2013, Red Sox hitters led all of baseball in runs scored, extra-base hits, total bases, doubles, stolen base percentage, RBI, OBP, SLG, obviously OPS, and catcher’s interference. If you think that’s going to happen again, you’re fucking high. To expect Jackie Bradley Jr. and Xander Bogaerts to fill the void left by Jacoby Ellsbury and Stephen Drew would be like expecting my Irish prick to be enough for porn star Ava Devine. I mean, have you seen her gash? It’s the Grand Canyon of Chatsworth hump holes.
You can tell everybody. Yeah, you can tell everybody. Big Papi is the man, leading all Red Sox hitters last year with a .309 average, .959 OPS, 30 home runs, and 103 RBI. We wouldn’t expect that kind of production again at the age of 38, but then again, was anybody expecting those numbers at the age of 37? But if the Red Sox are going to compete again in the AL East, he’s going to have to do it again.
Based on his last two years with Chicago and Texas, A.J. Pierzynski is an upgrade behind the plate. But if he resorts to his 2010-11 ways, it’s going to be Turd City for Red Sox fans…
Pitching
If you’re telling people today that you called John Lackey leading Boston’s qualifying starters with a 3.52 ERA a year ago, you’re a fucking liar. Jon Lester is still the staff’s ace, and if Clay Buchholz can keep the sand out of his vagina this year, the Sox will have a pretty solid starting three. Jake Peavy’s best years are obviously behind him, like 3,000 miles behind him. And Felix Doubront does about as much for us as getting gout.
38-year-old Koji Uehara was a big-dick player in the closer’s role for Boston a year ago. After June 30th, he only gave up one earned run while facing 104 batters in the process. That’s pretty goddamn impressive, but we’ll throw ten bucks down that says he gives up more than that this year. It’ll be interesting to see how Junichi Tazawa holds up after career highs in both innings pitched and appearances last season. Craig Breslow and Andrew Miller are also solid relievers that should be able to clean up turd Brandon Workman’s messes…
Key Acquisition(s): A.J. Pierzynski
Key Departure(s): Jacoby Ellsbury, Stephen Drew
Sexiness of Schedule: Like we have said before, playing in the AL East is pretty fucking brutal, like a “find out your dad is fucking his pet pit bull ” kind of brutal. If Kate Upton is a 10 and Precious is a 1, we’re giving Boston’s 2014 schedule a 2, or in other words, Susan Boyle…
Why They Will Win: The Red Sox owned the AL East a year ago, and they do it again as, out of nowhere, Grady Sizemore stays healthy and hits every incentive in his $6 million contract. He’s so good that “Grady’s Ladies” takes form in the centerfield bleachers, and Sizemore somehow doesn’t care that all of his post game sluts sound like this:
Why They Won’t Win: Sizemore blows out his knee again pahking his cah somewhere on Yawkey Way, and the Sox are forced to go with Jackie Bradley in center. It turns out he sucks, and so does the entire left side of the Red Sox infield…
2013 season: 97-65 (2nd, AL East)
2014 Predictions
Vegas: 87.5 wins (1st-tied, AL East)
The DUD: 81-81 (5th, AL East)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 86-76 (2nd, AL East)
FanGraphs.com: 88-74 (1st, AL East)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 1st place, AL East
Buster Olney (ESPN): 2nd place, AL East