by Tommy Gimler
Kansas City Royals fans should circle July 26th on their calendars, as that is the day Kansas City Chiefs’ training camp officially opens to the public. The Royals might finish in second place in a division weaker than Stephen Hawking’s legs, but they have no shot at making their first postseason appearance since 1985. And that’s because manager Ned Yost has no idea what he’s doing.
Offense
The Royals scored 648 runs a year ago, good for fifth-worst in the American League. One of the reasons behind the turd offensive production is that Ned Yost has no idea what he’s doing. Alcides Escobar and Mike Moustakas were absolute duds, and Alex Gordon took a small step backward.
But there were some bright spots in the Royals lineup a year ago. Fan favorite Billy Butler got on base 37.4% of the time, good for the 19th-best mark in all of baseball. First baseman Eric Hosmer hit .323 after the All-Star break, and catcher Salvador Perez put up similar numbers to Buster Posey in his first full season behind the plate…
Pitching
Big game James Shields is a stud, but after that, the rest of the starting rotation looks about as attractive as my cousin’s club foot. I mean, Jason Vargas, Jeremy Guthrie, Bruce Chen, and Danny Duffy? Who are these fucking guys?
Greg Holland had a great year closing out games for the Royals, and he’s going to have to be just as sharp if the Royals are going to finish above .500. If he and the rest of the bullpen falter, it could put Ned Yost right where he belongs: out of a job…
Key Acquisition(s): Norichika Aoki, Omar Infante
Key Departure(s): Ervin Santana
Sexiness of Schedule: The Royals have a tougher interleague schedule that features NL West opponents as well as the St. Louis Cardinals, but Kansas City gets 38 games against the White Sox and Twins. If Kate Upton is a 10 and Precious is a 1, we’re giving Cleveland’s 2014 schedule a 6, or in other words, Catherine Zeta-Jones now that she’s let Michael Douglas rub his old sack up and down her face…
Why They Will Win: Guys like Hosmer, Moustakas, and Escobar prove that they are indeed not worthless turds, and they score enough runs that Royals fans totally forget that their number two starter is Jason Fucking Vargas.…
Why They Won’t Win: The worst manager in baseball resides in Kansas City. When the Royals play at National League ballparks this year, he pulls some Modesto trailer park shit and bats his pitchers seventh in the lineup…
2013 season: 86-76 (3rd, AL Central)
2014 Predictions
Vegas: 79.5 wins (3rd, AL Central)
The DUD: 83-79 (2nd, AL Central)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 79-83 (t-3rd, AL Central)
FanGraphs.com: 80-82 (3rd, AL Central)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 3rd place, AL Central