by Tommy Gimler
Everything is falling into place for the New York Mets to be major players…in 2021.
1. Washington Nationals
The Nationals took a tits starting rotation and made it even more impressive with the offseason acquisition of Doug Fister. Opposing batters hit just .247 off Washington’s starters a year ago, and that was with turd Dan Haren sucking ass every five days. The injury bug hit the Nationals last year like a big black cock against a fatherless college dropout’s face. Nate McClouth adds some much needed depth in case Bryce Harper does something stupid like running full steam into a wall in a meaningless game in the middle of May…
Key acquisition(s): Doug Fister, Nate McClouth
Key departure(s): Dan Haren (good riddance, you fucking turd)
2013 season: 86-76 (2nd, NL East)
2014 Predictions
Vegas: 87.5 wins (t-1st, NL East)
The DUD: 94-68 (1st, NL East)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 88-74 (1st, NL East)
FanGraphs.com: 88-74 (1st, NL East)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 1st place, NL East
2. Atlanta Braves
The Braves won 96 games a year ago despite their hitters striking out more than anybody else in the National League. Dan Uggla and B.J. Upton each had more than 150 and did so in less than 450 at-bats. So, to say the Braves won last year because of their pitching would be a bigger understatement than saying I would like to kiss Kate Upton on the cheek, as everybody knows I would eat pickled eggs out of her asshole, and I hate pickled eggs. Last year’s staff posted an MLB-best 3.18 ERA to go along with 102 quality starts, the most in the National League. But with Kris Medlen and Brandon Beachy lost for the year and Mike Minor still not ready to go as Opening Day quickly approaches, Atlanta is in bigger trouble than a car full of minorities on a Friday night in Manhattan Beach…
Key acquisition(s): Ervin Santana
Key departure(s): Brian McCann
2013 season: 96-66 (1st, NL East)
2014 Predictions
Vegas: 87.5 wins (t-1st, NL East)
The DUD: 82-80 (2nd, NL East)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 82-80 (2nd, NL East)
FanGraphs.com: 83-79 (2nd, NL East)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 2nd place, NL East
3. Philadelphia Phillies
Really, picking who is going to finish third, fourth, and fifth in the NL East is like determining who the hottest chick is amongst three with Down syndrome. The Phillies were 25th in team ERA and 27th in runs scored a year ago, and that’s all you need to know if you’re trying to figure out how in the hell this team finished below the Mets in the standings. When Cole Hamels and Cliff Lee are both healthy, they’re a pretty solid 1-2 punch at the top of the rotation. Unfortunately for Phillies fans, everybody else after that sucks…
Key acquisition(s): A.J. Burnett, Marlon Byrd
Key departure(s): Roy Halladay
2013 season: 73-89 (4th, NL East)
2014 Predictions
Vegas: 76 wins (3rd, NL East)
The DUD: 74-88 (3rd, NL East)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 75-87 (4th, NL East)
FanGraphs.com: 77-85 (3rd, NL East)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 4th place, NL East
4. Miami Marlins
Even though their six or seven fans aren’t exactly sure who is going to take the field on Opening Day, the Marlins core of young players that will be forced out there because Jeffrey Loria refuses to purchase talent should be better than most experts are predicting. Marlins pitchers posted an ERA of 3.71 a year ago, good for 11th in all of baseball. Jose Fernandez, Nate Eovaldi, Henderson Alvarez, and Jacob Turner make up a decent young starting rotation, but it won’t matter this year because they get about as much support from their offense as a gay son gets from his Christian father. The Marlins scored 85 fewer runs than the next shittiest team a year ago, and if you think the addition of Garrett Jones and Rafael Furcal are going to fix that, you’re borderline retarded…
Key acquisition(s): Garrett Jones, Rafael Furcal, Jarrod Saltalamacchia
Key departure(s): Not sure who was on this team last year
2013 season: 62-100 (5th, NL East)
2014 Predictions
Vegas: 69.5 wins (5th, NL East)
The DUD: 71-91 (4th, NL East)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 73-89 (5th, NL East)
FanGraphs.com: 73-89 (5th, NL East)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 5th place, NL East
5. New York Mets
The Curtis Granderson signing shows that Mets front office is kind of trying, but hitting balls out of Yankee Stadium is just attempting to pound on a fat chick instead of her three hot friends: much easier. The Mets won 74 games a year ago with stud Matt Harvey striking out opposing hitters for the majority of the season. He’s not going to pitch this year. Expecting anything other than a mild episode of cardiac arrest from the soon-to-be 41-year-old fat ass Bartolo Colon is a reach, and the fact that Dillon Gee is the Opening Day starter means Mets fans should be preparing for another long summer of heavy drinking…
Key acquisition(s): Curtis Granderson, Bartolo Colon, Chris Young (the black one)
Key departure(s): LaTroy Hawkins
2013 season: 74-88 (3rd, NL East)
2014 Predictions
Vegas: 73.5 wins (4th, NL East)
The DUD: 67-95 (5th, NL East)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 77-85 (3rd, NL East)
FanGraphs.com: 75-87 (4th, NL East)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 3rd place, NL East