by Dave “The Voice of No Reason” Iacch
The Houston Astros number one goal this year is to not lose 100 games for the fourth consecutive year. It will be tough since they play in the mighty AL West and have less talent than a North Houston strip club. But heck, weirder things have happened. I mean, Tom Hanks didn’t win an Oscar for Apollo 13…”Houston we have a problem!”
Offense
In 2013 the Astros whiffed more times than Bud Selig at a Game of Thrones singles mixer. Not only were the AssNot’s 1535 K’s enough to lead all of baseball, they were enough to break the 2010 Arizona Diamondbacks all-time record of 1,529. Four free swingers eclipsed the 100 K mark: Brett Wallace (104), Brandon Barnes (127), Jason Castro (130) and Chris Carter (212) – good for third-worst all time. That’s bad enough to make the other Cris Carter exclaim, “C’mon Man!”
It wasn’t all swings and misses for Houston in 2013. Young 3B prospect Matt Dominguez hit 21 home runs and knocked in 77 runs, and 2B Jose Altuve batted .283 and represented the Astros in the All-Star Game. And “K King” Chris Carter managed to connect 29 times on hits that left the ballpark. To save the day, this offseason the Astros traded for the Colorado Rockies’ third-best outfielder, Dexter Fowler. Hey, at least the BBQ is better in Texas, right?
Pitching
When a team loses 111 games the starting pitchers records are going to be as pretty as Bo Porter in a thong (he’s the Astros manager, if you were wondering). Dallas Keuchel (10 losses), Erik Bedard (12), and Lucas Harrell (17) all stunk it up. This year’s rotation consists of newly acquired “ace” Scott Feldman, Jared Cosart, Brett Oberholtzer, Keuchel, and Harrell. Good luck, guys. You’re gonna need it.
Jessie Crain was brought in to close, but he’s already faking an injury to not suit up for this garbage team. The bullpen consists of Chad Qualls and a bunch of no-names not worth listing.
Given all the above information, I think Dexter, the other Chris Carter, and Lucas will start to flounder, and Houston will call upon it’s #5 ranked minor league system of budding starts to save them from 100-loss futility. Be on the lookout for George Springer, Jonathon Villar (starting SS), Mark Appel, Carlos Correa, and Jon Singleton. Most won’t play for the big league team this season, but even if 2014 brings Astros fans another year of stinky play, the future is bright in Houston…
Key Acquisition(s): Dexter Fowler, Scott Feldman, Jessie Crain
Key Departure(s): Brett Wallace, Erik Bedard
Sexiness of Schedule: The Astros AL West schedule is brutal, but their interleague schedule could be worse. They play the Diamondbacks and the top-heavy NL East, facing the Braves and Nationals, but also getting easy contests against the Marlins, Phillies, and Mets. If Kate Upton is a 10 and Precious is a 1, we’re giving Houston a 3, or in other words, Kathy Bates when she stands up topless in the hot tub in About Schmidt, and I’m not talking about Mike…
Why They Will Win: Chris Carter will cut down on his strike outs and belt out 35 plus home runs, Fowler will ignite the offense and be the veteran presence the ball club has missed, and Scott Feldman will discover a new arm angle that allows him to throw 100 MPH…
Why They Won’t Win: The Astros hit the reset button a few years ago and they just aren’t ready to compete in the AL West or Major League Baseball for that matter. If they were in the AL Central, I’d give them 8 more wins, easy. But, they aren’t and that means the faithful Astros fans that remember the days of Bagwell, Biggio, Oswalt, and Glenn Davis are going to have to wait a little longer for their top tier prospects to join the show…
2013 season: 51-111 (5th, AL West)
2014 Predictions
Vegas: 63.5 wins
The DUD: 63-99 (5th, AL West)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 68-94 (5th, AL West)
FanGraphs.com: 67-95 (5th, AL West)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): last place, AL West