by Tommy Gimler
Quick. Without looking, name the three starting outfielders for the 2014 Chicago Cubs. Yeah, it’s that bad on the North Side.
1. St. Louis Cardinals
The best team in the NL Central a year ago did what they usually do and got better in the offseason. The Cardinals really got all they could out of turd shortstop Pete Kozma the past couple seasons. But just like going to a McDonald’s in Van Nuys and finally getting the fat fuck behind the cash register to speak one word of English, it just wasn’t enough. Enter Jhonny Peralta, who with or without testosterone injections will be three times the player Kozma was. Word out of spring training is that Matt Adams’ fat ass is hitting left-handed pitching well, and if that’s the case, he’s going to hit at least 30 home runs.
In 2012, a Michael Wacha was a sex move that involved a jar of chunky peanut butter and jumper cables that I used on my wife when she was blackout drunk. But in 2013, Wacha’s right arm damn near won the Cards their twelfth World Series title. This year, he’s the Cardinals’ number two starter behind Adam Wainwright in what will probably be the best rotation again in the Central. Trevor Rosenthal and his 99-MPH heater are closing out games, but the Cards’ former closer Jason Motte should return by May at the latest. He’ll team up with guys like teen-porn king Carlos Martinez at the back end of what should be a pretty tits bullpen.
Nobody is touching the Cardinals in the Central this year…
Key acquisition(s): Jhonny Peralta, Peter Bourjos
Key departure(s): David Freese
2013 season: 97-65 (1st, NL Central)
2014 Predictions
Vegas: 91.5 wins (1st, NL Central)
The DUD: 96-66 (1st, NL Central)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 92-70 (1st, NL Central)
FanGraphs.com: 88-74 (1st, NL Central)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 1st place, NL Central
2. Cincinnati Reds
The 2013 Cincinnati Reds season finished the way a Dusty Baker-managed team always does: without a World Series title. Baker was shown the door after being given yet another squad loaded with talent that didn’t live up to its potential. All of the pieces are still there, as Votto, Bruce, Phillips, and a healthy Ludwick should be able to produce more runs than a Fiery Doritos Locos Taco at Taco Bell. Outfielder Billy Hamilton is probably the fastest man in baseball. Shit, he has the potential to turn a passed ball into a two-base mistake. If he can find a way to get on base at least 35% of the time, it’s going to be a great year for Reds fans. If he hits like Rickie Weeks, then he’ll be the fastest guy on the bench.
A healthy Johnny Cueto will be a big plus for a staff already loaded with talent in Latos, Bailey, and Tony Cingrani. Even without Cueto for most of last year, Cincinnati’s starters finished with a 3.43 ERA, good for the third-best mark in all of baseball. Opposing batters hit an MLB-worst .216 against Cincy’s bullpen a year ago, but Aroldis Chapman will miss a few weeks after taking a line drive to his dome. If he can quickly regain his All-Star form when he returns, the Reds will be playing at least one game of October baseball again. If not, you’ll never hear the end of these cocksuckers like Woody Paige talking about why pitchers need to be wearing helmets…
Key acquisition(s): None
Key departure(s): Shin-Soo Choo, Dusty Baker (good riddance, you fucking turd)
2013 season: 90-72 (3rd, NL Central)
2014 Predictions
Vegas: 83.5 wins (3rd, NL Central)
The DUD: 88-74 (2nd, NL Central)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 79-83 (3rd, NL Central)
FanGraphs.com: 79-83 (4th, NL Central)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 2nd place, NL Central
3. Milwaukee Brewers
Well, the Brewers made it official this week: The Juan Francisco era in Milwaukee is over.
The addition of Matt Garza is a big plus for the Brew Crew, as it turns Marco Estrada and Wily Peralta into what they should be: number four and five starters (if that). In a decision that is almost as baffling as not converting to the old Brewers uniforms of the 70′s and 80′s full-time, Milwaukee’s best starting pitcher down the stretch was Tyler Thornburg (2-1 with a 2.16 ERA and 22 K’s in 25 IP vs. ATL, CHC, STL, and PIT), and he was never considered to be part of the starting rotation this spring.
Ryan Braun seems like he’s in a “me against the world” mode this spring. If that carries over into the regular season, look the fuck out. And if Aramis Ramirez can keep the sand out of his vagina enough to play 140 games, look the fuck out. And if GM Doug Melvin’s strategy of not putting a real first baseman on the roster pays off, look the fuck out…
Key acquisition(s): Matt Garza
Key departure(s): Norichika Aoki
2013 season: 74-88 (4th, NL Central)
2014 Predictions
Vegas: 79.5 wins (4th, NL Central)
The DUD: 83-79 (3rd, NL Central)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 78-84 (4th, NL Central)
FanGraphs.com: 82-80 (3rd, NL Central)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 4th place, NL Central
4. Pittsburgh Pirates
We really wanted the Pirates to win the World Series last year. We really did. But most teams that makes the postseason after being big piles of pig shit the twenty years prior to that seem to regress the following season. Andrew McCutchen, Starling Marte, and Gerrit Cole are going to be All-Stars for years to come, but it’s time for the front office to surround these studs with more talent and realize guys like Neil Walker, Gaby Sanchez, and Clint Barmes aren’t going to get the job done…
Key acquisition(s): None
Key departure(s): A.J. Burnett
2013 season: 94-68 (2nd, NL Central)
2014 Predictions
Vegas: 84.5 wins (2nd, NL Central)
The DUD: 81-81 (4th, NL Central)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 84-78 (2nd, NL Central)
FanGraphs.com: 84-78 (2nd, NL Central)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 3rd place, NL Central
5. Chicago Cubs
It’s not all bad on the North Side. I mean, look at those tits…
Key acquisition(s): Jason Hammel (I mean, just to put somebody here)
Key departure(s): None, as they pretty much cleaned house in July of last year
2013 season: 66-96 (5th, NL Central)
2014 Predictions
Vegas: 68.5 wins (5th, NL Central)
The DUD: 64-98 (5th, NL Central)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 68-94 (5th, NL Central)
FanGraphs.com: 75-87 (5th, NL Central)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): last place, NL Central