by Frank Rhombus
The Dodgers are 1-to-3 favorites to win the NL West this year, so there’s as much value in making that bet as there is in trying to have an emotional relationship with Lindsay Lohan. The Dodgers are probably going to win the division, but it’s going to be a lot closer than most people think, with the Dbacks, Giants, and Padres all sniffing their ass at the finish line…
1. Los Angeles Dodgers
Word out of spring training is that Juan Uribe lost a shit ton of weight in the offseason, and he’s still a fat fuck. But it doesn’t matter where Don Mattingly puts his fat ass in the lineup because the rest of the guys around him are some the best talent money can buy. It seems like Hanley Ramirez’s turd days are behind him, and many experts are predicting the Dodgers shortstop will win the NL MVP this year. Dee Gordon had an unbelievable spring, and he’s going to see a lot of time at second base early in the season as a result. We’re expecting Yasiel Puig to take a giant step backward this year, almost as giant as his ego. But even if that happens, Los Angeles is deeper than Ava Devine’s hump hole – seriously, that thing looks like it could take at least 12 cocks at one time and probably has – and somebody will pick his shit up.
Clayton Kershaw is going to miss a start because of a sore back, but it sounds like the Dodgers are just being cautious, kind of like a film critic waiting to call a Kevin Costner movie “worth seeing” until two or three other people promise to say the same thing. Kershaw, Zack Greinke and Hyun-Jin Ryu are a pretty solid 1-2-3, but let’s be honest. Dan Haren and Josh Beckett at the back end of that rotation is scarier than the thought of seeing Hillary Clinton without makeup, meaning the addition of Paul Maholm was pretty much necessary. Last year’s pitching staff was tits, finishing with the second-best ERA in all of baseball (3.25), and nobody was better after the All-Star break than LA (2.75 ERA). And unless injuries force Beckett and Haren to be a big part of the rotation this year, it’s going to be tig ol’ bitties again…
Key acquisition(s): Paul Maholm, Dan Haren
Key departure(s): Ricky Nolasco, Skip Schumaker, Mark Ellis
2013 season: 92-70 (1st, NL West)
2014 Predictions
Vegas: 93.5 wins (1st, NL West)
The DUD: 88-74 (1st, NL West)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 89-73 (1st, NL West)
FanGraphs.com: 90-72 (1st, NL West)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 1st place, NL West
2. Arizona Diamondbacks
Opposing pitchers are going to be shit themselves when they face a Dbacks lineup that features both Paul Goldschmidt and Mark Trumbo this year. Well, unless manager Kirk Gibson does something stupid like he did down under when he hit Trumbo sixth. Both have the potential to hit 35+ home runs, especially playing 81 games inside the BOB. Last year’s team scored 685 runs, good for the fifth-highest total in the National League. If guys like Aaron Hill stay healthy and shortstop Chris Owings’ bat is as good as advertised, the Arizona offense could be almost as potent as a Peter North cum shot.
And if the Dbacks are going to contend in the NL West, it’s going to have to be.
For the second straight year, their starting rotation suffered a major blow. Staff ace Patrick Corbin will miss the entire season because of Tommy John surgery, and that means guys like Trevor Cahill and Brandon McCarthy need to man up or else this second-place prediction is going to be pure pig shit…
Key acquisition(s): Mark Trumbo, Addison Reed, Bronson Arroyo
Key departure(s): Adam Eaton, Tyler Skaggs
2013 season: 81-81 (2nd, NL West)
2014 Predictions
Vegas: 80 wins (3rd, NL West)
The DUD: 85-77 (2nd, NL West)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 77-85 (4th, NL West)
FanGraphs.com: 79-83 (5th, NL West)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 3rd place, NL West
3. San Diego Padres
Sooner or later, shipping all of your talent to Boston and New York and stockpiling prospects is going to pay off. We think this could be the year, as Andrew Cashner is poised to have a breakout year as the Padres’ ace. Cashner posted a 2.14 ERA and .194 BAA in eleven games after the All-Star break a year ago. The strength of San Diego’s roster tends to be their bullpen, and the addition of Joaquin Benoit from Detroit should bolster what was already one of the best in the game.
Jedd Gyorko was a nice surprise at second base a year ago, socking 23 home runs and driving in 63 runs, both of which were disgustingly team highs. If the Padres are going to contend in the NL West, they’re going to need shortstop Everth Cabrera to get on base and steal fifty bases without the assistance of illegal substances. Then they’ll need guys like Chase Headley and Yonder Alonso to get the sand out of their vaginas and actually produce runs like they’re both a slab of severely undercooked meat…
Key acquisition(s): Joaquin Benoit, Josh Johnson
Key departure(s): Jason Marquis
2013 season: 76-86 (t-3rd, NL West)
2014 Predictions
Vegas: 78.5 wins (4th, NL West)
The DUD: 82-80 (3rd, NL West)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 80-82 (3rd, NL West)
FanGraphs.com: 81-81 (4th, NL West)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 4th place, NL West
4. San Francisco Giants
Fact: The Giants have won two of the last four World Series because of their pitching, and I got laid after Game 1 of both championships.
Fact: The Giants pitching this year isn’t that good, and I actually paid for one of those hump seshes in 2012.
Matt Cain has absolute dog shit last year, posting his highest ERA since 2006, fewest strikeouts since starting just seven games in 2005, zero complete games for the first time ever, and fewest wins since 2008. And even after renting a warehouse in the offseason to work on his mechanics and velocity issues, Tim Lincecum was a turd this spring. And at 38, you just don’t know what you’re going to get from Tim Hudson. And Ryan Vogelsong is Ryan Vogelsong.
Look, I’m a Giants fan, you hookers, but I just don’t see this team competing for anything other than a mid-round pick in next year’s draft…
Key acquisition(s): Tim Hudson, Michael Morse
Key departure(s): None
2013 season: 76-86 (t-3rd, NL West)
2014 Predictions
Vegas: 85.5 wins (2nd, NL West)
The DUD: 81-81 (4th, NL West)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 85-77 (2nd, NL West)
FanGraphs.com: 84-78 (2nd, NL West)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 2nd place, NL West
5. Colorado Rockies
Here’s a way for Rockies fans to have fun during another dreadful season in 2014. First, subscribe to Cinemax. Next, we’ll set the over/under for Troy Tulowitzki’s games played at 122.5, and we’ll set Carlos Gonzalez’s games played total at 131.5. Hell, we’ll even set the amount of games these two play in together at 81.5. Seriously, if the over hits in all three of these, the Rockies might actually be able to play .500 baseball and you might be able to call your cable provider to cancel the Cinemax subscription.
But we’ll guess Tulowitzki gets an infected hangnail while finger-banging his wife on a road trip in late April and misses two months as a result, and CarGo gives himself a concussion while taking swings in the on-deck circle in early June, and you’ll love how awesome softcore porn on Cinemax can be, particularly because they never go to the camera angle behind the guys ass that just shows him whaling away on some worthless slab of flesh…
Key acquisition(s): Justin Morneau, Brett Anderson, Drew Stubbs, LaTroy Hawkins
Key departure(s): Dexter Fowler
2013 season: 74-88 (5th, NL West)
2014 Predictions
Vegas: 75.5 wins (5th, NL West)
The DUD: 72-90 (5th, NL West)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 72-90 (5th, NL West)
FanGraphs.com: 82-80 (3rd, NL West)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 5th place, NL West