by Tommy Gimler
If there is anything for certain that we can take away from ESPN’s latest “PEDs in baseball” story relying solely on unnamed sources instead of known facts, it’s that Biogenesis founder Tony Bosch looks exactly like we thought he would. Look at this fucking guy:
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Yup. This is the guy who MLB is basing the majority of their case on against suspected PED users like Alex Rodriguez, Ryan Braun, Melky Cabrera, and other names found scribbled in a notebook that came to fruition this offseason courtesy of a former Biogenesis employee. A guy who is now cooperating with MLB officials only because lawsuits brought against him by those same MLB officials have left him financially fucked.
Another one of ESPN’s “finest,” Jayson Stark, has already referred to this situation involving about 20 players as “being on the verge of the biggest drug bust in sports history,” even though the Mitchell Report in 2007 listed 89 names that MLB and apparently Mr. Stark have chosen to ignore. But even if Braun, Rodriguez, Cabrera, and the others are suspended after MLB concludes their investigation and brings down the hammer, if you think that will finally bring an end to PED use in baseball, then you’re a fucking idiot.
Let’s just say, for example, that Braun, Rodriguez, and Cabrera all receive the 100-game suspensions that ESPN’s sources are suggesting that MLB will seek, all three of them will still have millions of dollars waiting for them when they return. Assuming that the process would take its course this offseason, Braun would still make somewhere in the $4 million range next year plus at least another $107 million guaranteed through 2021. Rodriguez would pull in roughly $70 million through 2017. And Melky Cabrera would still be able to collect almost $3 million of his contract that ends after the 2014 season.
Look. As long as there is still millions of dollars waiting for these guys when they get back from a suspension, there is no reason not to take PEDs. What’s the penalty if they do, that some overweight assembly line worker at the local tannery in Cudahy is going to heckle you for nine innings? Bring it on. For $100 million, I’ll let him heckle me from inside my house while I plow my wife.
The point is, you won’t see real change in the game of baseball until you take away a player’s means of providing for his family, mistresses, blow habit, or whatever. And here’s how you do that:
The second time you test positive for a banned substance, you will receive a lifetime ban from Major League Baseball.
Even baseball players make mistakes in life, just not as often as MLB umpires, and everybody deserves a second chance. So, the first time a player tests positive for a banned substance, suspend him for 100 games. Give him plenty of time to read over the banned substance list or find someone who can read it for him, and find out exactly what GNC product you can put in your body and still play the game of baseball within the rules. But the second time a player fails a drug test, fuck him. No more $100 million contract, no matter how much is left on it. No more random broads in The Cleveland Ritz Carlton when your team comes to town for a three-game set. No more Major League Baseball. If he still wants to play the game, have him give Manny a call in China…
If you are not an American citizen and are currently playing Major League Baseball on a work visa, the second time you test positive for a banned substance, you will be deported to your country of origin.
Whether you’re from the Dominican Republic, Venezuela, or the Netherlands, if you can’t read the side of a supplement bottle, pay an American high school student outside the city of Detroit fifty bucks to do it for you. Again, everybody makes mistakes, so the first one results in a 100-game suspension. That would give you plenty of time to go back to your native country, get kidnapped by your fellow countrymen, and think, “Shit. I’m never going to do that again.” But when you fail a second test, goodbye, million-dollar contract. Goodbye, America. And time check with your embassy to see if an ADT home security system will still work if you bring one back to your country…
Finally, if you are the GM of a Major League Baseball team, DO NOT sign a known PED user to a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract.
We’ll call this the Melky Cabrera clause. Again, where is the incentive not to take PEDs when turds like Melky Cabrera, who obviously performed at a high level only after taking PEDs, is given a two-year, $16 million deal the year after he receives a suspension? It’s like the guy on the fryer at Burger King getting busted for having meth in the break room and then promoting him to assistant manager to make your point that meth will not be tolerated in the work place…